Ride A bike in my memory

I’m falling apart. I can’t keep it together anymore. No longer can I pretend to be ok and stay positive and hope for the best. No longer can I beat all the awful thoughts back that are screaming in my head and everywhere I look. Do you know what it’s like to talk and have a conversation with the girl you are competing with for your husband’s love and pretend like you don’t know and if you do you don’t care?

I’m sure this is all in vain. I’m sure every change I attempt and every piece of me I work on will do nothing for him. I just have to remember it is for me and the changes are good and needed regardless of what happens with us. I’ve no doubt he has made his decision and just doesn’t want to tell me. I wish he would see how much worse this not knowing hurts me, or maybe that’s what he wants. To hurt me as much as he possibly can. To pay me back for hurting him. To pay be back for texting and talking to another man. He’ll show me pain and hell by finding someone new and falling in love with her and then telling me he can’t decide.

I’m sitting around and going around by myself having to constantly wonder if the reason he’s not talking to me is because he’s talking to her. He loves her after all. He has fallen in love with her. I can’t compete with her. I’ve got nothing.

I died and lost all hope for us when he said “I haven’t made that decision yet” when I asked him if he was going to continue to talk to her. I NEVER questioned not talking to HIM anymore but HE loves her. He is in love with her and hasn’t made that decision yet. DO you know the pain of knowing you have to be a decision? I have never had to decide with him. I have always loved him. It is all I have done and all I know how to do and no matter what has gone on with us I have never had to think about things or make that decision. FUCK!!! Do you know how that feels?

I feel like it is over for me. I have no chance. I'm not in the running anymore it seems now all we are doing is delaying things and prolonging the pain and I can’t help but hold on to a sliver of hope. Maybe I am wrong, but I’m not dumb either. The optimist loser I was died.

I’ll be moving out Sunday. I’ll let him and her have their time together. Let him see the happiness she can supply him that I couldn’t. They don’t know yet. No one knows except the person I’ll be staying with. I can’t tell them yet because I am hoping something will change. That I am wrong. I’m not counting on it though. I pulled my suitcase out tonight and started to gather a few things to take with me.

Kid will be happy to have me out and gone. She hates me. Hates that I’m her mother. No more worries for her now. She wants to live with him and will get her wish. She’ll be living with him. She won’t have me to worry about butting in. They can quit their sneaking and hiding and their secret keeping because I’ll be out of their way and out of their lives. They can both be happy again if they ever were to begin with. And who knows. Maybe she can start staying here too and they can be one big happy family. They can all have what they want now.

He asked me earlier if he needed to take my firearms away from me (let’s see that happen. Especially from 3 time zones away) but maybe he should. I’d like to say I’d never use one on myself but the thoughts have been quite appealing and quite vivid.
I can see where I would do it and how I would help keep cleaning and mess to a minimum. I can hear the shot and the quick ringing in my ear and the sound of splintering skull. I can feel the impact and my hand drop and the pain end.

I can see pulling out in my car and getting blasted in the side by a high speed semi-truck or dump truck. I can see and feel my body being whipped sideways and back, my head smashing the driver’s side window. Blood running down my face from the fatal impact. Mangled car Mangled body, but the chances are too good Id survive and then with permanent injury or paralysis or brain loss. Then I’d have that to deal with too. Alone. No one would want to deal with that.

I wouldn’t take my own life but I have hoped since September that some fatal accident would take it for me. Now I’m beyond hoping for it and on to wishing and praying. I know its stupid thinking. I know things will get better, and things happen for a reason, and nothing is worth that, and all the other jargon, but honestly…I don’t fucking care. What’s the point of “better?” All better does is restart the cycle of failure and pain and besides al this pain is my own fault. I brought it on myself and deserve every shard of it. I pushed him to her and brought the pain by talking to HIM. I broke our trust and ruined everything forever.

And it was nothing!! HIM was nothing! I was just so fucking lonely and the attention was nice. It was nice to have someone tell me I was pretty and to acknowledge I existed. I’m such a fucking idiot for that! I’m an adulteress and a whore and a liar. I am so fucking worthless as a human being. What purpose do I even serve? All I do is cause hurt and pain and ruin everyone’s fun and happiness and lives.

Kid made sure to tell me she hates coming home every day knowing I’ll be here. She let me know that all the pain and hurt she feels is because of me. She’d be happy if I’d leave. She’ll be happy when I leave. Maybe if I’m gone she’ll focus on school and do better. She’s so freaking smart and wastes it all. I get tired of her teachers saying she is one their smartest sharpest students but does zero to apply herself. It frustrates the hell out of me but I’m not supposed to care. It’s my fault she’s failing anyway. I’m the one that put her in the Montessori school. I don’t discipline her and have not taught her to be disciplined. I haven’t been consistent. I didn’t teach her to be organized. I’ve been a lousy fucking parent and succeeded only in fucking up her life and making her hate and resent me. I wish I’d been aborted or that they hadn’t revived me so many times at birth. I wish they’d let me die.

The only person me being gone forever would impact would be my brother but he’d get over it. Hang a picture on the wall and move on.

I guess work would miss not having me to call on all the time. Ha

I want to finish my degree so bad. I hate that I haven’t. I hate myself for being such a fucking loser. One more thing I have failed at. One more thing to remind me of what a loser I really am. Racked up all that debt with nothing to show for it. NOTHING! And now it has been so long that I’ve been out that my credits won’t all count and I’ll have to take them over and it will be like starting completely over. And it is one more thing he and the kid have both let me know has given them great disappointment in me over. Way to be a role model. Class A fuck up right here. No future no drive no business being alive. The only success I’ve had is failure so Ride a bike in my memory and then forget I ever existed