Lost

Tomorrow I am moving out away from my daughter and husband for a awhile. Don’t know if we’ll work things out or not. He’s been out of town for a week and had the kid stay the night at a friend’s and asked me to take a nap when I get home so we can maybe spend some time together when he gets in. I’m not a night owl. It’s a nice gesture on his part, but I feel like he is only doing it to try to keep me from leaving. He hasn’t said anything to make me think he doesn’t want me to though. Only thing he asked was where I was going. I know no matter what comes of tonight I have to leave tomorrow or he’ll never know how serious I am. We’ve both screwed up, but I admitted and gave mine up before it had a chance to go too far. He refuses to let his go and I can’t have myself committing to something that isn’t committed to me. I don’t think I hurt this bad when my mom died. It’s been a very hard couple of months and has only seemed to get harder. I’ve prayed a lot and cried a lot and thought a lot. Whether we plan to work on things or not maybe I need to be away for now. Even if it is just a few days I need to show him and me both that things cannot continue like this. I’m so lost and so broken in so many ways.

My friends are angry with him but won’t see that I talked and texted with someone first. They are angry with him and blaming him because they are my friends and I am hurting I am sure but they don’t see that they are hurting me worse in doing that. And that I still hope we can find a way to make things work. I just wish it would all go away so much. I was just so damn lonely, and so was he and I hurt him beyond repair. I can’t be upset with him for turning away as I did. I just don’t know what else to do.