Closer to Love~ Mat Kearney

I really love this song. It's one that can fit to so many different situations. Maybe one day I'll again have someone tha tpulls me closer to love

Closer To Love

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for all of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited all of my life

You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love (You are all that I've waited for)
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Closer to love (Cause you are all that I've waited for)
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love

Garden

Maybe one day my garden will be full of flowers instead of all these weeds. I am wokring on pulling them, There are lots, though, and they all have strong deep roots.

JATD

I get so tired of being put down by the man who claims to support me in everything.  Ya know, he’s right. He does. He helps pay for and buy whatever my crafting whim at the moment is and says yeah you can do it. And when I decided to ride 140 mile bike ride he did buy my bike and say I have no doubt you can do it. He was very supportive of my training time and needs for those things. He helped research what I would need and what would help me be better/ perform more efficiently. He helped me hit my donation levels on each thing I have done and even contributed his own money towards the goals. And when he asks, “Can  you deny that I have supported you in everything you’ve wanted to do?” I can’t. He has supported me in those things.

                That said….kid goes to my dad’s after school since she can’t be trusted home alone. Spouse calls to see if I’m getting her when I get off. I say” I suppose I should, though I could just let her live there forever.”  Him: “I’d hate to see how that turns out (meaning her)”  Me: “I didn’t turn out half bad”  Him: “Uh yeah”  Me: “Whatever (sarcastically)” 

On a different note….I really need to get laid. I can’t remember when the last time I had sex was, but it had something to do with an M6.

I’m being questioned about food. I can only assume that means that spouse is tracking my intake again. A while back he was doing that…keeping a log of everything he saw me eat then used it to show me why I was so fat. I’m getting to the point that I don’t even care anymore.  I mean I know it’s unhealthy and I hate being over weight. I am disgusted to see myself naked so I can understand him feeling the same way, but I hear so much about the weight he lost and how good his diet is and how awful everyone else’s is and what I need to do and blah blah blah that really I just want to stop trying, sit on the bed with bags of chocolate and chips and only get up to get more milk.  Sit and Knit and get fat just to piss him off. 

I do enjoy being active though. I have a 40 mile bike ride in a few more weeks that kid and I will do together. In June I’ve got a 5k obstacle course to do. September is bringing on a 100 mile ride and February is a 94 flight stair climb. Pup and I walk nearly every night and it is almost always no less thatn 3 miles.  I have to say almost always, because there was one night we only did 2.5 and that was by his exhaustion not mine. Tonight we do 9 (fingers crossed he can handle it). It’s not my dog. I didn’t want him. It’s the spouses, but no one else will exercise him or play with him and being the breed mix he is, that’s not a good thing for him to have excess energy.  He and I are starting obedience classes Friday and that I am actually looking forward to. Pup is becoming my buddy. This will put him closer to me still. I just wish he’d pull away from someone else. Awful I know, but would be a good pay back I think. He’s really the only one in the house that cares when I come around anyway, and even he only cares for what he can get out of me….a good long walk and some catch.

I wish I had another human being that would meet with me and walk. Partly for safety in numbers since I only am able to walk at night after dark, but mostly for the company and interaction, and a touch for motivation to keep at it. People laugh when I say I get tired of doing everything alone, but it really is getting to me deeply and depressingly so. I feel so alone. In my job I work alone. In my bed I go to sleep alone. On my walks and my rides and my workouts ….alone alone alone (ok I know walking is with pup but he never responds when I talk to him, and yes….some nights I do talk out loud to him). I feel selfish for wanting someone to do things I want to do whether they want to or not, but I just want someone to do something with me for me.  Kid won’t even go with me because she always has something better to do with dad.

So I have a special friend that I can occasionally talk to and sometimes, though very rarely, visit with. It will never be more than friends though I’ll admit there are many times I’ve fantasized, but reality of life wouldn’t allow it and honestly I am pretty positive we’d get on each other’s nerves pretty quickly…lol but regardless, he is very special and dear to me and I’m not sure if he knows it or not, but he makes me feel special on the rare occasions I get to see or spend time with him. I always feel bad and insecure initially when I see him because of the weight I have gained and the things I have done and been through, but it never takes long for that to melt. I really think that he sees me the way I used to be and is an anchor to help me keep from losing myself all together. We are honest with each other. Sometimes brutally, but that is how we are with each other and I know what to expect as does he. I can take it from him as he can from me because it is meant in love not in hurt or retaliation. So many little things he has said or done that have helped keep me grounded and kept that little light that maybe there is something better out there glowing….. I owe a lot to him and he doesn’t even know it. Not sure he’d believe it if I told him because for him it is natural. I just hope one day I am strong enough and financially stable enough to go out there and find my something better and that it isn’t too late when I do.  

I keep holding out on hope that things will get better and counting my blessings that they haven’t gotten worse. I feel so stuck, lost, and alone, but always optimistic if even just a tiny sliver………

3 am eternal

Went to dinner with the grandparents-in-law, spouse, SIL, BIL, kid, and niece and nephew. They comment oon spouses weight loss. SIL and BIL talk about theirs. I'm still a huge sow and I hate it. I do good all day then comes bedtime and I suddenly am starving. Then I eat. Then I am over my calorie count. Then I am depressed. Then I want to eat even more. But. On a plus side.... I've lost 1.9" around both my waist and hips over the last month even if 6 pounds is all I have lost number wise. I'm sick of watching and counting and depriving. And not losing. And exercising and working and not losing.

At dinner I was first there after grandparents. Next in came spouse. He walks in with Kd who had gone out for a minute just before he got there. Says hi to, hugs and kisses the GPIL, kid had moved down a seat so he could sit next to me. He didn't even acknowledge me and goes and sits across the table from me. I excused myself to go to the restroom because I couldn't keep a tear back. I should be used to it.
Last night I'd been woken up by spouse tucking my hair back behind my ear, laying next to me staring me in the face. He caressed my face a few times then slipped his hand into the hand I had cupped under my head on the pillow. When I said something about liking it and thanked him for it (yes I thank him for any slight bit of loving attention I get) he had no clue. I didn't figure he was awake. He doesn't do that stuff with me anymore. Only with his whore.He says it's not him and he never did sweet romantic stuff or was a touched or hand holder etc. but he was. And he did. Up until a few years ago. And he did it all with his whore. It's just me he doesn't do it with. Like sex.
He's saying now it isn't me it's the meds. Here's my problem with that. You could get it up for the whore, you can get it up to jerk off. You can get it up for the occasional bj. But you can't get it up to fuck your wife because of the meds? Fuck you.
I could have gone and visited a friend Saturday night. I REALLY wanted to and had intentions to. It was just kid and I we were enjoying time together for the first time in a very long time I thought. I didn't want to end it. She wrote about it in her diary. So sick of mom. She's the main reason I want to kill myself I hate her. I wish dad would hurry and get back.
I should have visited my friend.

Bad places

Last night I posted a question on Facebook to the couples. I asked if they often get asked if the check is together or separate. All said never or nearly never. Funny. We get asked every time we go out. I have mentioned this to the spouse before about it bothering me and that it isn't right and that he doesn't treat me as if I am his spouse. I have said in anger though honestly that he treats our daughter more like a wife than he does me.
This question comes so often that I thought maybe. Just maybe it was the way severs were taught now. To not make presumptions. I guess not. The public doesn't view us as a couple.


So. I'm going through kids texts like I do periodically and see spouse telling her he thinks she's pretty and you looked nice today. And you're a beautiful young lady etc. I can't remember the last time anyone even said hey you look nice today let alone told me I was pretty. When I was in high school one of the "good looking popular" boys told me I looked damn good if I'd cut off my ugly head. At least then I wasn't a fat lump. Now I guess I not only don't have looks but I don't have a body left either. I'm so sick of life and being second hand and last in priority lists.

I bought a book called the I like book for couples. Basically you each write in it one thing your like about the other person every day and each get to read it too. I have written in it daily. Spouse never even bothered to look at it even when I reminded and asked him too. Tonight I threw it away. Whatever.

Hmmm been a while.

He was still talking to his little tramp through part of December. She has now gone back to her ex. He says they don't talk other than one day when she called him trying to reach a different Person by the same name. He told me about it the same day then got pissed that I got upset over her texting and calling him.
Things aren't really better. He wouldn't continue counseling. Kid is having suicidal thoughts and depression issues. She is flunking school She's now on meds as of yesterday.
Asked spouse a few weeks agoif he was still thinking of leaving or if he wanted to try to work on and improve things. He says leaving is still a big option and he's still not sure what to do because things aren't going to change. He's not going to change and I am the one with the issues.
He told my daughter one evening unaware I was within earshot that she was just like me... Lazy and superficial. We were having a good day that day.