Rings

Last Monday morning I gave the spouse my wedding set back. He's confused he says. I told him he needed to decide if he thought I needed them or not. He says I'm still his wife but has made no effort to give them back. He did say the other night that they were a gift and mine either way. Was that supposed to be a reassurance?
When I gave the rings to him I moved the ring from my right hand to my left. It felt wrong not having something there. My hand felt naked and my heart felt broken. A week later I moved that ring back to the other hand. My left hand is as empty as my heart is right now. Separation continues to be his answer until I gave a list of questions needing discussed and answered before hand. A list of rules to set up. He says never mind we will just keep things the way they are. I objected and forced the issue and conversation last night. It was left at he needs time to think about things. U need a break from life. I need some reassurance. I need some answers. I need some love. I need someone who gives a fuck.
If the goal is to push me away it's working. Each day I begin to feel i am being pushed farther and farther away. I'm pulling away slowly. I'm tired of hurting and this is prolonging the pain. I'm tired of hoping and being told to wait. I'm tired of trying and being told it's not clear enough if the try will stay. I'm tired of being alone in a full house.

In a fuck everyone fuck everything mood.

Does a temporary separation work?

That’s his suggestion. Some time apart from each other to reflect on life and what we want.  My interpretation of a separation….

Let’s go fuck other people, see if we can find something better, and if not fall back on what we had before. We can call it ok because we were “separated” at the time. Now it’s not an affair.

That is how I have always viewed it. Even before this situation came up and the option was brought up here I have always thought it’s just a way to prolong and put off the divorce. A way to find a replacement before getting rid of the old one. Just me? Am I really the only one that views it this way?  Can it work? Can it be a positive thing? I have never seen that happen.

Lost

Tomorrow I am moving out away from my daughter and husband for a awhile. Don’t know if we’ll work things out or not. He’s been out of town for a week and had the kid stay the night at a friend’s and asked me to take a nap when I get home so we can maybe spend some time together when he gets in. I’m not a night owl. It’s a nice gesture on his part, but I feel like he is only doing it to try to keep me from leaving. He hasn’t said anything to make me think he doesn’t want me to though. Only thing he asked was where I was going. I know no matter what comes of tonight I have to leave tomorrow or he’ll never know how serious I am. We’ve both screwed up, but I admitted and gave mine up before it had a chance to go too far. He refuses to let his go and I can’t have myself committing to something that isn’t committed to me. I don’t think I hurt this bad when my mom died. It’s been a very hard couple of months and has only seemed to get harder. I’ve prayed a lot and cried a lot and thought a lot. Whether we plan to work on things or not maybe I need to be away for now. Even if it is just a few days I need to show him and me both that things cannot continue like this. I’m so lost and so broken in so many ways.

My friends are angry with him but won’t see that I talked and texted with someone first. They are angry with him and blaming him because they are my friends and I am hurting I am sure but they don’t see that they are hurting me worse in doing that. And that I still hope we can find a way to make things work. I just wish it would all go away so much. I was just so damn lonely, and so was he and I hurt him beyond repair. I can’t be upset with him for turning away as I did. I just don’t know what else to do.

Things the spouse said about 19. I need to keep these present and remember these things were what was said. It kills me each time I see them and think about it but it is the only thing that is going to keep the truth in my forefront. He tells me she isn't what he wants in a relationship but these say different to me. Especially the last one. I have to remember these so I can walk out the door tomorrow. Damn tomorrow will be the hardest day of my existence. And the worst part of it all is knowing that I am willing and able to forgive it all and move on to try to work things out.

My Anniversary Gift

On our anniversary 19 came over (think that's what I'll start calling her. She was having personal issues and needed soemone to talk to and somewhere to stay. THe reasopn was valid, but what was going on while she was here was not what should have been happening. When I walked in the room around 3am I knew right away she was teh one the numbers belonged to. I knew without asking or having any proof that this was who he was seeing. Then, after he passed out around 6 am I found this. This was how he spent the night of our wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to me......

why does this hurt?

I have tried so hard to stay upbeat today but I am slipping. I have to hold it together. I am at work. And I am dying. I have no one and nothing and I am dying right now.

addendum: I know....there is catching up that needs to be done for you my readers.

Ride A bike in my memory

I’m falling apart. I can’t keep it together anymore. No longer can I pretend to be ok and stay positive and hope for the best. No longer can I beat all the awful thoughts back that are screaming in my head and everywhere I look. Do you know what it’s like to talk and have a conversation with the girl you are competing with for your husband’s love and pretend like you don’t know and if you do you don’t care?

I’m sure this is all in vain. I’m sure every change I attempt and every piece of me I work on will do nothing for him. I just have to remember it is for me and the changes are good and needed regardless of what happens with us. I’ve no doubt he has made his decision and just doesn’t want to tell me. I wish he would see how much worse this not knowing hurts me, or maybe that’s what he wants. To hurt me as much as he possibly can. To pay me back for hurting him. To pay be back for texting and talking to another man. He’ll show me pain and hell by finding someone new and falling in love with her and then telling me he can’t decide.

I’m sitting around and going around by myself having to constantly wonder if the reason he’s not talking to me is because he’s talking to her. He loves her after all. He has fallen in love with her. I can’t compete with her. I’ve got nothing.

I died and lost all hope for us when he said “I haven’t made that decision yet” when I asked him if he was going to continue to talk to her. I NEVER questioned not talking to HIM anymore but HE loves her. He is in love with her and hasn’t made that decision yet. DO you know the pain of knowing you have to be a decision? I have never had to decide with him. I have always loved him. It is all I have done and all I know how to do and no matter what has gone on with us I have never had to think about things or make that decision. FUCK!!! Do you know how that feels?

I feel like it is over for me. I have no chance. I'm not in the running anymore it seems now all we are doing is delaying things and prolonging the pain and I can’t help but hold on to a sliver of hope. Maybe I am wrong, but I’m not dumb either. The optimist loser I was died.

I’ll be moving out Sunday. I’ll let him and her have their time together. Let him see the happiness she can supply him that I couldn’t. They don’t know yet. No one knows except the person I’ll be staying with. I can’t tell them yet because I am hoping something will change. That I am wrong. I’m not counting on it though. I pulled my suitcase out tonight and started to gather a few things to take with me.

Kid will be happy to have me out and gone. She hates me. Hates that I’m her mother. No more worries for her now. She wants to live with him and will get her wish. She’ll be living with him. She won’t have me to worry about butting in. They can quit their sneaking and hiding and their secret keeping because I’ll be out of their way and out of their lives. They can both be happy again if they ever were to begin with. And who knows. Maybe she can start staying here too and they can be one big happy family. They can all have what they want now.

He asked me earlier if he needed to take my firearms away from me (let’s see that happen. Especially from 3 time zones away) but maybe he should. I’d like to say I’d never use one on myself but the thoughts have been quite appealing and quite vivid.
I can see where I would do it and how I would help keep cleaning and mess to a minimum. I can hear the shot and the quick ringing in my ear and the sound of splintering skull. I can feel the impact and my hand drop and the pain end.

I can see pulling out in my car and getting blasted in the side by a high speed semi-truck or dump truck. I can see and feel my body being whipped sideways and back, my head smashing the driver’s side window. Blood running down my face from the fatal impact. Mangled car Mangled body, but the chances are too good Id survive and then with permanent injury or paralysis or brain loss. Then I’d have that to deal with too. Alone. No one would want to deal with that.

I wouldn’t take my own life but I have hoped since September that some fatal accident would take it for me. Now I’m beyond hoping for it and on to wishing and praying. I know its stupid thinking. I know things will get better, and things happen for a reason, and nothing is worth that, and all the other jargon, but honestly…I don’t fucking care. What’s the point of “better?” All better does is restart the cycle of failure and pain and besides al this pain is my own fault. I brought it on myself and deserve every shard of it. I pushed him to her and brought the pain by talking to HIM. I broke our trust and ruined everything forever.

And it was nothing!! HIM was nothing! I was just so fucking lonely and the attention was nice. It was nice to have someone tell me I was pretty and to acknowledge I existed. I’m such a fucking idiot for that! I’m an adulteress and a whore and a liar. I am so fucking worthless as a human being. What purpose do I even serve? All I do is cause hurt and pain and ruin everyone’s fun and happiness and lives.

Kid made sure to tell me she hates coming home every day knowing I’ll be here. She let me know that all the pain and hurt she feels is because of me. She’d be happy if I’d leave. She’ll be happy when I leave. Maybe if I’m gone she’ll focus on school and do better. She’s so freaking smart and wastes it all. I get tired of her teachers saying she is one their smartest sharpest students but does zero to apply herself. It frustrates the hell out of me but I’m not supposed to care. It’s my fault she’s failing anyway. I’m the one that put her in the Montessori school. I don’t discipline her and have not taught her to be disciplined. I haven’t been consistent. I didn’t teach her to be organized. I’ve been a lousy fucking parent and succeeded only in fucking up her life and making her hate and resent me. I wish I’d been aborted or that they hadn’t revived me so many times at birth. I wish they’d let me die.

The only person me being gone forever would impact would be my brother but he’d get over it. Hang a picture on the wall and move on.

I guess work would miss not having me to call on all the time. Ha

I want to finish my degree so bad. I hate that I haven’t. I hate myself for being such a fucking loser. One more thing I have failed at. One more thing to remind me of what a loser I really am. Racked up all that debt with nothing to show for it. NOTHING! And now it has been so long that I’ve been out that my credits won’t all count and I’ll have to take them over and it will be like starting completely over. And it is one more thing he and the kid have both let me know has given them great disappointment in me over. Way to be a role model. Class A fuck up right here. No future no drive no business being alive. The only success I’ve had is failure so Ride a bike in my memory and then forget I ever existed