I get so tired of being put down by the man who claims to support me in everything. Ya know, he’s right. He does. He helps pay for and buy whatever my crafting whim at the moment is and says yeah you can do it. And when I decided to ride 140 mile bike ride he did buy my bike and say I have no doubt you can do it. He was very supportive of my training time and needs for those things. He helped research what I would need and what would help me be better/ perform more efficiently. He helped me hit my donation levels on each thing I have done and even contributed his own money towards the goals. And when he asks, “Can you deny that I have supported you in everything you’ve wanted to do?” I can’t. He has supported me in those things.
That said….kid goes to my dad’s after school since she can’t be trusted home alone. Spouse calls to see if I’m getting her when I get off. I say” I suppose I should, though I could just let her live there forever.” Him: “I’d hate to see how that turns out (meaning her)” Me: “I didn’t turn out half bad” Him: “Uh yeah” Me: “Whatever (sarcastically)”
On a different note….I really need to get laid. I can’t remember when the last time I had sex was, but it had something to do with an M6.
I’m being questioned about food. I can only assume that means that spouse is tracking my intake again. A while back he was doing that…keeping a log of everything he saw me eat then used it to show me why I was so fat. I’m getting to the point that I don’t even care anymore. I mean I know it’s unhealthy and I hate being over weight. I am disgusted to see myself naked so I can understand him feeling the same way, but I hear so much about the weight he lost and how good his diet is and how awful everyone else’s is and what I need to do and blah blah blah that really I just want to stop trying, sit on the bed with bags of chocolate and chips and only get up to get more milk. Sit and Knit and get fat just to piss him off.
I do enjoy being active though. I have a 40 mile bike ride in a few more weeks that kid and I will do together. In June I’ve got a 5k obstacle course to do. September is bringing on a 100 mile ride and February is a 94 flight stair climb. Pup and I walk nearly every night and it is almost always no less thatn 3 miles. I have to say almost always, because there was one night we only did 2.5 and that was by his exhaustion not mine. Tonight we do 9 (fingers crossed he can handle it). It’s not my dog. I didn’t want him. It’s the spouses, but no one else will exercise him or play with him and being the breed mix he is, that’s not a good thing for him to have excess energy. He and I are starting obedience classes Friday and that I am actually looking forward to. Pup is becoming my buddy. This will put him closer to me still. I just wish he’d pull away from someone else. Awful I know, but would be a good pay back I think. He’s really the only one in the house that cares when I come around anyway, and even he only cares for what he can get out of me….a good long walk and some catch.
I wish I had another human being that would meet with me and walk. Partly for safety in numbers since I only am able to walk at night after dark, but mostly for the company and interaction, and a touch for motivation to keep at it. People laugh when I say I get tired of doing everything alone, but it really is getting to me deeply and depressingly so. I feel so alone. In my job I work alone. In my bed I go to sleep alone. On my walks and my rides and my workouts ….alone alone alone (ok I know walking is with pup but he never responds when I talk to him, and yes….some nights I do talk out loud to him). I feel selfish for wanting someone to do things I want to do whether they want to or not, but I just want someone to do something with me for me. Kid won’t even go with me because she always has something better to do with dad.
So I have a special friend that I can occasionally talk to and sometimes, though very rarely, visit with. It will never be more than friends though I’ll admit there are many times I’ve fantasized, but reality of life wouldn’t allow it and honestly I am pretty positive we’d get on each other’s nerves pretty quickly…lol but regardless, he is very special and dear to me and I’m not sure if he knows it or not, but he makes me feel special on the rare occasions I get to see or spend time with him. I always feel bad and insecure initially when I see him because of the weight I have gained and the things I have done and been through, but it never takes long for that to melt. I really think that he sees me the way I used to be and is an anchor to help me keep from losing myself all together. We are honest with each other. Sometimes brutally, but that is how we are with each other and I know what to expect as does he. I can take it from him as he can from me because it is meant in love not in hurt or retaliation. So many little things he has said or done that have helped keep me grounded and kept that little light that maybe there is something better out there glowing….. I owe a lot to him and he doesn’t even know it. Not sure he’d believe it if I told him because for him it is natural. I just hope one day I am strong enough and financially stable enough to go out there and find my something better and that it isn’t too late when I do.
I keep holding out on hope that things will get better and counting my blessings that they haven’t gotten worse. I feel so stuck, lost, and alone, but always optimistic if even just a tiny sliver………
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