Changes

I am not keeping posts on here forever for now. I am using this only as a temporary home for my thoughts and concerns and feelings and anything in between. I have a lot of sorting to do. I am moving forward though. Mind set is changed. I still and will have a lot of questions though and garbage to spew and hurt to release. I have lost "me" in all these years of loneliness. I have also lost a lot of strength and will. I am trying to regain that. In doing this I have to tear myself down…way down and rebuild. Some of the things I have said on here have pissed people off. Guess what…Don't care. Get over it. Some things have made people "worry" about me. If you know me as well as you claim to then you should know there shouldn't be any worry there. But thanks for your concern.
I have lost and am continuing to lose a lot of the people in my life. New people and ones I thought were constants. Don't be surprised or hurt if I pull completely away and inside of myself by myself away from every last one of you. I need to figure out who is worth keeping around and who is worth it to me to fight for. Especially after discovering that I was obviously not worth the effort to many.
I have been giving a lot more and putting a lot more effort into things than most any other person and that is time to change. It is time to take. It is time to heal. It is time to search and discover and rebuild and become me again. I don't know who that is anymore. I don't know if anyone will like that person when I figure it out though I have a feeling I can now name the ones who will be here for "her." I figure I have 6 months to a year to really figure things out and find my path and direction. Time to figure out which distractions are worth it and which should be cut. I am going nowhere and sinking standing still. But I have no direction or vision or dream and my destiny seems hidden in a veil of shit so it's time to dig and uncover. Back to the me I want to be and fuck everyone else coming first.
I know it won't be easy. I know it will cause hurt and pain for others along the way. I know I will have to remind myself to stay focused where I need to be. I know there will be obstacles and possibly new distractions even. I'll figure out though. That's what I do.
I put on a smile and I keep it there until I convince myself to believe it. No one knows the difference anyway. And then I'll go on and get over it. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. Let's see what happens.
And yes, tonight, I will shed tears I am sure. I have taken a lot of unexpected emotional blows from many different directions here lately and today's was the one that hit toppled me over the edge, but once you hit the bottom you can only go up so here we go. With me?